First day of the rest of my life?
Well, it kind of feels like the first day of the rest of my life. I’m turning 45 next month and I am officially unemployed today. It’s still hard for me to figure out exactly what happened or why I finally decided to quit. I think it was an intuitive feeling—a sixth sense that this was the next step. But, I do not really understand it. I do not have much faith that there’s something else out there. The Les Miserable song is constantly swimming in my head: “Who am I? I’m 24601.” Because, I really do not know who I am without a job. No, not a job. A career.
It’s the first time that I have said out loud that maybe, just maybe, practicing law is not for me. This is am amazing feat as I think these thoughts have been with me a long time. It’s hard to discern, though. Are these the thoughts of every lawyer: “Maybe law is not for me?” Or are these the thoughts that have slowly been creeping in my semi-conscious that have just gotten loud enough that I’m willing to say the words—despite what the words mean: I may not practice my chosen profession anymore.
What a crazy experience. I am not sure I could have quit three weeks ago had I not gone to my meeting the day before and heard others talk about fear. The most important information I experienced that day was that faith is not jumping from A to B, it’s jumping from A. We also talked a lot about the scary hallway and I truly appreciated what others said about how they, too, are scared of the hallway—the not knowing. So, I did it. I do not know what is next. I do not know if there is a “next.” I am committed to do some work on trying to figure it out. And, in the meantime, live one day at a time.
Here are my next steps: 1) Work with the Job Coach to explore other opportunities; 2) Continue to research counseling programs; 3) Be a mom to my kids, trying to be fully present and focused, while not turning into someone that gets their self worth from their children because that is dangerous for all; 4) Attempt to fill my days with goodness and joy; and 5) Go to lots of AA meetings.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. Until next time, don’t tell my husband I’m blogging :)
